he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
