guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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