Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
