im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
