Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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