I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I wish you could order shots online.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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