I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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