So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
organizing the empties. That sober.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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