i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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