What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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