Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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