Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
