I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
