Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
