Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
