you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
