You just made me feel so damn special
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Randomize
