Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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