I think scott just propositioned me for sex
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
