Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers