first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.