Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
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Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.