You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
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Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
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sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor