My hand turned me down
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
