guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
