I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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