The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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