you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
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Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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