Everything about him screamed your future.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
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Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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