im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
