i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
