If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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