An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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