I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
