Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
