When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
