What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
