I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize