im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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