Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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