Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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