i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Girls should come with a carfax report
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Randomize
