Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
