I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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