Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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