Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
