Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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