Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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