i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation