how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.