fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.