We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
