I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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