Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
