So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the raccoons are back...
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