AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
