I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
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I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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