im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
